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Cogito, · Ergo · Domitor · Vestri · Sum
Omnis pinguis delenda est!
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An open letter to whom it may concern- It has been brought to my attention that recently, Amazon's sales tracking has been pulled from a number of books pertaining to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender interests. The response from your help department has indicated that it is now Amazon's policy to remove sales tracking from "adult" items. Well and good. However, several hundreds of thousands of heterosexual (including several texts, such as Alan Moore's "Lost Girls" which pertain to paraphilia far less socially acceptable to the population at large than even, (gasp) consensual sex between two adults of the same gender)"adult" titles retain their sales tracking. Even if this is merely an oversight the company seeks to correct, the fact that you commenced first with LGBT titles is telling. Whether it is a small group of individuals responsible for these actions or it is company policy, I can no longer in good conscience continue to use your service. Undoubtedly you feel that you can afford to lose the business of a mere ten to twenty percent of the population who are queer in some respect. You may fail to realize that the ramifications extend beyond the admittedly ostracized and largely disenfranchized LGBT community. As a university student, with a long career of graduate and doctoral studies ahead of me followed by many decades of assigning texts to literature students, the amount of potential business I represent is not insignificant. Furthermore, I intend fully to encourage my fellow students to purchase their texts through Barnes and Noble, or Borders, or whatever other service may come along that adopts (if only out of concern for their own sales) a more enlightened, less facile and cowardly regard for human beings of all sexual orientations. (e-mailed to Amazon.com's customer service department @12:41 pm, 4/13/09)
Current Music: |
"Don't Stop Me Now," Queen | |
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So the warning signs have been going off a bit lately; irritibility, strange energy level fluctuations, other piddly details ad nauseam, and the gist is that I'm probably entering something of a manic phase. All my friends should be aware of this, as it will affect my behavior substantially over the next couple months. When I come down, finally, I will probably dive into a major depressive fit (that's just my MO, might be different this time). Things to know about my manic phase: I experience poor impulse control across the board. I might not have a greater appetite for my sundry vices (then again, I might) but I will definitely have a harder time saying "no." In the past, this has led me to behave in a manner I would describe as uncharacteristic, except that it IS a part of my character, just one I'm not as used to dealing with. I get very energetic and very easily irritated when my desires are thwarted. I grow a pair of brass ones and do some really. Really. Stupid. Things. My confidence level fluctuates from absymal to preposterous as my ego swells to comically oversized proportions. This has been mildly beneficial in the past; enabled me to get some girl and keep her until the depression kicked in, but at present I have a wonderful girlfriend who is used to me in my more mellow phase and I don't want to suddenly go all Mr. Hyde on her. Anyhow, thought I'd give everybody the heads-up, here it comes again.
Current Mood: |
manic |
Current Music: |
"Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun," Pink Floyd | |
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So first things first; my dad's doing a lot better after his hernia surgery on wednesday. I've spent the past couple of days, and am going to be spending much of the next couple weeks, taking care of him, helping him with lifting anything over like a pound, driving him around to his appointments, picking up his prescriptions, driving my sister around, etc. I don't resent that; it's what he needs out of me. I do, however, have a burgeoning case of cabin fever that will probably get a lot worse before it gets better. Furthermore, I'm feeling rather cut off and isolated from my extra-familiar loved ones (mostly because I can't go see them, I'm sure) and also rather... unwanted, I suppose. That's almost certainly me projecting my own insecurities onto the world again, but so it goes when your brain is being miserly with the feel-good chemicals and all you've got left is negativity. Medical bills, joblessness (on my part only; the 'rents are both still working), and general malaise have pretty much put paid to christmas for the Araujos this year. Thankfully I'm emphatically not a christian or I might take it personally. I think if I do end up becoming a supervillain I could do worse than to call myself General Malaise. It's descriptive of both my personality and my power set- the ability to instantly bring down any social gathering merely by showing up. Bah. This verges into angsty self-pity. End communication. ... Later: So I went on GROWL and checked my grades this quarter. Two A-, Two A+. Getting multiple A plusses is pretty impressive even if I slacked in the other two classes a bit. So at least one aspect of my life seems to be a success. Of course, it's over in two more quarters and with my cumulative gpa I'm going nowhere fast. Wheeeeee. Should probably just keep getting excellent grades for the next two quarters and then drink myself to death. You know, go out on a high note.
Current Mood: |
annoyed |
Current Music: |
"Dirt," Alice in Chains | |
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Checklist: Intro to British Lit Paper, "Self-Willed Blindness: Bildungsroman and Artifice in Jane Eyre," 100% complete. Native American Lit Paper, "Calculated Trauma: Mourning and the Boarding School Experience," 100% complete. Postmodern Lit Paper, "Desperate Ritual: The Effect of Cultural Support Upon Veterans in Stone and Silko," 75% complete. Native American Lit assignment, 600 words about one of the texts, 100% complete. Native American Lit extra credit assignment to make up for a missed assignment (I spaced on it), 100% complete. Shakespearean Tragedy final. Two cyclopean, mammoth in-class essays. 100% complete. Intro to British Lit final in 60 hours. Studying, 0% complete. I had a minor breakdown about two mintues ago, nothing serious. I was listening to the Right Honorable Sir Mix-A-Lot (I wonder if he ever sonsidered upgrading to Baron Mix-A-Lot, or even Duke), and I vocally concurred with his assessment of callipygous ladies, loudly shouting to the household,
"MAH ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HON!"
Fortunately, my family is rather understanding of the stress that I am under. I must now return to my Postmodern Lit essay, finishing it before tomorrow that I may turn it in, sleep, and maybe even have a bit of a life on Wednesday before taking my last damn final on Thursday. Hooray for almost being done. Boo, having to actually force my rebellious brain to focus on this abomination of an essay.
Essentially, after the pair of preposterously lengthy and intricate in-class essays my brain managed to produce this afternoon, my higher functions related to the production of quality literary essays went home, drank a bottle of tequila, and unplugged the phone- all I get when I try to access that part of my brain is either an old-timey "scene missing" frame, the music from the intermission in "Monty Python's Holy Grail," and a vague soft blurring hum, as through a booze-soaked sponge. The best part of my brain has taken French leave, and I have an essay to finish.
Littleindamiddle but she got much back
Current Mood: |
starkers |
Current Music: |
"Baby Got Back," PraiseGod Mix-A-Lot, Esq. | |
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So. Much. Writing. Checklist: Intro to British Lit Paper, " Self-Willed Blindness: Bildungsroman and Artifice in Jane Eyre," 100% complete.Native American Lit Paper, " Calculated Trauma: Mourning and the Boarding School Experience," 98% complete.Postmodern Lit Paper, "Jake still doesn't know which two texts he's compare/contrasting or why," 0% complete.Native American Lit assignment, 600 words about one of the texts, 0% complete.Native American Lit extra credit assignment to make up for a missed assignment (I spaced on it), 0% complete.Shakespearean Tragedy final in 36 hours. Studying, 0% complete.Intro to British Lit final in 108 hours. Studying, 0% complete, but meh. Please shoot me.
Current Mood: |
busybusybusycoffee |
Current Music: |
"Madhouse," Anthrax | |
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http://www.bluecorncomics.com/newsrock.htm
Almost immediately upon reading the front page newspost about the possibility of erecting a statue of Black Hawk on the east side of Utah’s State Capitol, I saw a blue link around the phrase “good Indian.” My interest piqued, I clicked the link, to be taken to a page that extensively catalogues the archetype in television, film, comic books, novels, and even currency. The initial response posits Tonto himself as a direct descendant of the “corn-bearing Red Man” of Thanksgiving pageants; a topic particularly timely and personal for my current Native American lit class- our professor has run into all manner of trouble (up to and including death threats) when she requested less generic "Indian" costumes than the stereotyped brown paper vests and randomized facepaint for her five year old's class. Seriously. Death threats. People often fail to see the harm in what they view as beneficial stereotypes, whether “Asians are smart,” “Blacks are athletic,” or “Indians are helpful.” Tonto seems to be a particularly gross characterization of the last, a member of a tradition extending all the way back to Robinson Crusoe and “Friday,” the native Carribean he names after the day Crusoe saved his life, thus binding him as Crusoe’s slave forever. With even a bare bones knowledge of the stereotype, then, it is clear how harmful it can be. If Indians are naturally compliant, what harm in enslaving them, taking their land, murdering them by the millions? The page goes on to describe various other examples of “good Indians,” all of whom in some way were complicit (generally unwittingly) in the brutal conquest of their own lands by European whites, and who are therefore lionized and immortalized in statue by the culture of their oppressors, alongside martyrs like George Armstrong Custer. Perhaps it’s because I’ve studied military history, but I never had the notion of Custer as anything but a completely incompetent, vainglorious, murderous ass. He was so bloodthirsty, so arrogantly certain of some kind of racialized military superiority, that he willfully attacked a massive force which included thousands of noncombatants with a handful of men. That the handful perished to a man in this instance instead of the multitude is the expected outcome to anyone with two brain cells to rub together, and from the point of view of any human being worthy of the name, the preferable outcome. Military casualties, inflicted upon people who have willingly chosen the sword, are a regrettable necessity of war. Civilian casualties are an increasingly common abomination, a throwback to Assyrian-level brutality. Thus, the brave and noble boys in blue who emancipated an oppressed people in the 1860s turned right around and virtually eradicated another oppressed people over the next fifty years. Having studied the time period, I was aware of the level of grief and outrage that met Custer’s death, and have developed a particularly pessimistic view of the “battle” of the Little Big Horn. It seems very likely that General Sheridan, a known genocidal psychopath transcending even his old superior and mentor William Tecumseh Sherman, and an all-around cold-hearted son of a bitch, knew Custer’s propensity for hard-charging bravery dementia all too well and dispatched him with a handful of men deep into “enemy” territory, knowing full well that the media darling would get his fool self killed. With the subsequent outrage, Sheridan got all the money and troops and materiel he could ever need to pursue his personal, groundless grudge against the native peoples of the plains. So, every time I see a statue of a “good Indian,” I’m going to raise a little hell with whoever’s responsible, and donate money to the slowly growing Crazy Horse monument in South Dakota. May it dwarf Mount Rushmore.
Current Mood: |
annoyed |
Current Music: |
"American Jesus," Bad Religion | |
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So last night my father comes into the living room, shivering harder than I've ever seen anyone shiver in person. He's shivering like a pre-hypothermic person, just before the body gives up even on shivering. Shuddering so hard and so uncontrollably, he can't even draw a full breath. He feels hot to the touch. His eyes are wide and rolling in confusion and fear. He's conscious and coherent, but everything else looks pretty bad. Naturally, the family scrambles into action. We discuss options. We run them past him. We take his temperature as best we can. I eventually end up calling 911, and some paramedics show up. They've got somewhat dickish bedside manner, think it's probably just the flu, but I give 'em this one- a shivering dude is pretty tame compared to what they're used to. My mom ends up driving him to the hospital emergency room, Cait and I sit up at home trying to distract ourselves with bad television and nutball conversation. Around three, I can't take any more and slink off to pass out for a few hours. I haven't gotten more than like four hours of sleep in a night in a week. Cait stays up and waits until they come home at like six. Then she goes to school. She's going to be so wiped this afternoon when she gets home. So he comes home feeling much better thanks, turns out he's got some kind of viral infection. So the usual- lots of fluids, keep warm, etc. This morning I get up to go to school, but Dad's there feeling kind of shitty. After he drops me off, he says, he's got to go to a doctor's appointment on an only somewhat related matter (he's going to get his hernia fixed in an outpatient surgery once all the hoops have been jumped through). Well, I can use an extra half-hour of sleep, so I doze, then drive him around all morning (I still don't quite trust him to be as okay as he wants me to think he is). We're all so fucking tired, and Dad's got all kinds of health problems. Things are kind of shit right now.
Current Mood: |
exhausted | |
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So things are going pretty well for me. Busy and stressful in several ways, but I've got a supportive family, girlfriend, and friends, so that's all right. School goes rather well; I'm predicting two A's and two A minuses. Even if I don't make it into grad school (or more likely, can't afford it) I've got a decent backup plan that will see me earning a living wage for two years and getting large chunks of my debt forgiven. My dad's doing better than he has in a long while, my sister just applied to UCR and I couldn't be prouder of her, things are going well with Andrea and look to go even better now that I've actually got some time to spend with her (knocking on wood). Why, then have I experienced a random dip in my mood? Chemicals in my brain are the only explanation, lending further credence to all those chaps with fancy credentials who have informed me on two separate occasions that I am either a type two manic depressive (not very manic, more depressive) or am just a depressive. I've been feeling very keenly the sort of isolation and inability to communicate that stereotypically characterize the life experience of a particularly intelligent fellow such as myself. Reading postmodern lit probably isn't the best remedy for that, but it's not like I can stop; even if I didn't go out and read such existential-crises-with-binding all on my own, I'm taking a postmodern lit class this quarter. So, today was apparently opposite day. (and yesterday evening to some extent) When I should be feeling great, for no good reason, I feel ostracized and misunderstood, awkward and freakish- your archetypal mad scientist supervillain. Then of course, the minute I get on the computer and am bombarded with depressing news items (sue me, I care about world affairs and read about Africa to inflame my cynical but intact sense of outrage), I load up every song by Queen I have on my hard drive (deliberately excluding "The Show Must Go On," because fuck that shit is sad) and begin rocking right the fuck out. Apparently there is some sort of saturation point for random unsupported depressive fits; like jumping into a pool and bouncing off the bottom. So at the moment I am feeling like an energetic, dazzlingly brilliant, talented, superior expression of masculine humanity in the pattern of a viking or post-apocalyptic warrior-king (same thing, basically- tear around empty countryside until you find something worth taking, or at least throwing on the ground and having your wicked way with). I am feeling like an alpha dog in other words. So the average person can't understand me or relate to me? Of course not, no more than a caterpillar could understand or relate to them. My face is imperfectly handsome? It conveys my intelligence and a somewhat haughty superiority just fine, so no sweat. Even people at school in upper-division English classes don't quite "get" me? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Their loss; I'm so clearly the best thing going on in the room. ... (Even when I'm depressed, I'm pretty confident I'm the best thing going in the room in an academic sense. Just to give you an idea about what a self-conscious egomaniac I am even when I'm down on myself.) *shrug* Whatever. I'll take my cheap highs where I can get 'em.
Current Music: |
"Don't Stop Me Now," Queen | |
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Obama won. Hallelujah, said the atheist, and amen. I cried along with Jesse Jackson, I cheered along with those liberal scamps at MSNBC, I managed not to openly scorn McCain's quasi-effective conciliatory speech, I was utterly moved and filled with patriotism and joy that we can, as Lincoln said and Obama wisely reminded us, "choose our better angels" and vote for the better man, putting aside petty racial divisions and fearmongering, and aspire to (stealing from Lincoln here again) "A new birth of freedom." Prop 8 is, at this moment, (and with about 50% of precincts reporting in, it's pretty clearly trending this way) winning. Damnation to the blackest pits, cries the atheist. My gut clenches at the sheer wrongness of it, the wickedness of it. I am transfixed with sorrow and shame that Californians, whose electoral votes trend so strongly Democratic, cannot embrace a truly democratic society. "We shall overcome," said Dr. King, and in many ways we have. But the struggle for civil rights is not over, far from it. As Eugene Debs said, "While there is a lower class, I am in it; and while there is a criminal element, I am of it; and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free." There is a second class in this nation, who are outlawed by fools who would legislate biology. I will stand with them. I think I just bcame a gay rights activist. Not just a supporter, not just one who silently sits back and votes his conscience, but an agitator. As King said in Montgomery, "We are determined... to work and fight until justice runs down like water, and righteousness like a mighty stream." Amen, Dr. King.
Current Mood: |
mobilized |
Current Music: |
"Painkiller," Judas Priest | |
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Friday, we took my dog Hannibal to the animal hospital and had him put to sleep. He was eleven years old; pretty old for a Shepherd mix with terrible arthritis in his hips. He was in constant pain from his arthritis, which had spread to his front paws as well. The thought of putting him through another winter of excruciating agony was not something I could bear. The trouble is, it's really not what I had to bear or not that was the issue here. He meant more to me than most people ever do; I treated him more like a friend than a dog and he was absolutely worth it. Having him put to sleep made me feel utterly awful about myself and my inability to do anything to actually help him, but leaving him in agony wasn't an option either. I held him as he died, stroked him, kissed him, kept him from thrashing around too much when a stranger crouched behind him and pushed some kind of fluid into his body that had to feel strange at the least. He didn't thrash, but I held him just in case. Maybe he accepted it. Maybe he was in too much pain to move. Maybe he didn't know what was going on and allowed himself to be comforted. Maybe he knew exactly what I was doing to him. Maybe he didn't resist because I had broken his heart. A part of me feels like I repaid his unfailing loyalty and friendship by holding him down while they killed him. I know that's not at all fair, and I'm slowly getting over the worst of the Judas complex, but it's still there. My father and I were the ones who had to take him. There was something primal and deep about the experience. Two of the pack's menfolk taking care of a third when we couldn't help him any more. We cried in front of each other openly and without shame; a small miracle in itself. Once he had died, I buried my face in Hannibal's fur and bawled out of control. I managed to close his eyes. It wasn't hard. They were half closed already. When we found him, when my sister found him, eleven years ago, he was a white fuzzball, too thin and too scared to live for long as a stray. He was barely a few weeks old, but already he had been so abused that he was utterly terrified of being touched, of large men in particular. He bore a deep mistrust of men in uniform. Maybe his abuser was a prison guard, a cop, a mailman, a pizza delivery man. Caitlin fed him pretzels through the fence until I found her with him. Then I helped feed him pretzels. Eventually, I scooped him up and held him to me. He might've weighed a few pounds. He shivered in terror, but I stroked him and I held him. I loved him then, even that early. Eventually he came to trust me, and then to love me. He loved me all the more, I think, because I superficially resembeled whoever his abuser had been, but I was kind to him. He was the smartest, most loyal dog I ever knew. One night, the cats got out the back door. They shivered and cowered in the backyard all night, surrounded on two sides by the neighbor's yards where they keep pitbulls. He stood vigil all night, refusing to come in when we called him. We were so stupid, had no idea the cats had gotten out. He watched over them, and first thing in the morning, he dragged us outside- literally put his gentle mouth on our hands and pulled until he had dragged us to where the cats were huddled. We could be so stupid sometimes, but he loved us anyhow. I would talk to him, like he was a person, because in a very literal sense I considered him a person. Short sentences- he was in fact a dog who didn't know more than a hundred words and I didn't want to look crazy -but fairly complex for what you'd expect a person to tell a dog. He would sit beside me, he would look me in the eye not in challenge but in understanding, and we would talk. I couldn't understand him all that well- I'm not as smart a person as he was a dog -but he always seemed to know just what I needed. He would lean against me, nuzzle me, even wrap his head around me in a doggy hug when I needed it. He saw me through my darkest times, he rejoiced with me in my greatest triumphs, and he was always by my side when I needed him. I've had animals put to sleep before, and it always felt like the best thing for them. Hannibal was special though. My feeling was that he deserved informed consent, but of course didn't speak a whole lot of English. And I was too stupid to understand when he spoke the pure, uncluttered language of his noble heart.
Someone once joked with me that you could get into heaven if you had a dog to vouch for you. Christians and Buddhists both tend to deny canine transcendence- they lack souls or the Buddha nature respectively. All I know is, if there is some kind of afterlife, if they fail to recognize Hannibal's soul, then I don't want any part of it. I would wander with him through darkness and ashes forever rather than set a single foot in any heaven that would not have him. I couldn't save him. I couldn't fix him. And I don't believe in heaven, for dogs or for people. But dogs, at least, deserve one. Thursday night, the night before we took him to his death, he was crying for three hours, struggling to get up, unable to stand for more than a brief instant before falling to his belly again. I tried desperately to understand what he needed, to help if I could, but he was so distraught because he had to go to the bathroom and he didn't want to pee on the carpet. His adoptive brother, Cisco, is our 14 year old senile cocker spaniel, and he pees on the carpet all the time, blithely unaware that he's even doing it. But Hannibal was such a good dog he held it despite what must have been excruciating, and tried desperately to struggle to his feet. Finally he made it, and made his wishes known. His pain was extraordinary. He came back in, collapsed in a heap, whimpered quietly, and licked at his front paws as they too throbbed with arthritis. I knew it was time. I know it was the best thing to do, intellectually, but not being able to find out what his wishes were really bothers me. If he'd been able to tell me he wanted to make a fight of it I'd have carried all 96 pounds of him myself. I'm keeping busy. Things are better now than they were weekend, that's for certain. I'm down to only crying myself to sleep and crying when I come home and he's not there, which is a big improvement. Of course, I'm also itermittently leaking from the eyes as I write this but that's probably to be expected. There are no words good enough for him. I looked for some. Quotations from Shakespeare, in my eyes the greatest writer in the English language, flashed through my mind but were insufficient to the task. Words themselves aren't enough. The best I seem to be able to manage is a paraphrase from the Epic of Gilgamesh. He who was my friend through joy and hardship is gone forever.
Current Location: |
home |
Current Mood: |
desolate, bereft, etc. |
Current Music: |
none | |
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They told him that if he worked hard, if he kept his nose down and his mouth shut, if he would go along to get along, he would be fine. They said the color of his skin didn’t matter; he could talk like a white man and he had an IQ of over a hundred and fifty, whatever that meant. They said this was a land of opportunity, not of entitlement, and he believed them, so he worked hard. When he could find work. My father. His father left when he was a boy. Left for somewhere, with some woman, ended up dying in Las Vegas of cirrhosis of the liver which took nearly twenty years to kill him, from 1982 to 2002 or so. When he had a grandson to lie to, he told him he’d fought in World War II even though he’d joined the navy in 1946. My grandfather. He had the same nose I have, my father has. We don’t like to think we share much more than that; a nose. This boy, this abandoned boy the whole neighborhood called “dirty Mexican” even though his family had been in California for generations, both before and after it became a part of America, the American dream, this boy got a job. Washing dishes, busing tables, that kind of thing. So his family could eat. He worked for the next forty three years. Then he retired for a little over a month. Then he went back to work. His family still eats. He played football, got good grades, affected a hat- All-American kid. He was a long-haired hippie, smoked dope, all the things you think of when you think of the sixties. That was part of being an All-American kid, too. He tried to go to college but there wasn’t enough money. There was never enough money. He went for two semesters, then entered construction. He became a sheet metal worker apprentice. An apprentice, like in the days of blacksmiths and peonage. He aced the apprenticeship. He became a journeyman. He worked, when the economy was good and people were building. A lot of the time, the economy wasn’t so good, and he didn’t work. But there was a union, so things weren’t as bad as they could have been. Sometimes he went outside the union to find work that paid half as much as he was worth, because that was the only way to find work. Still, because of the union, he had a decent wage, could support a family. When he was working. He wanted to be a teacher. He ended up teaching sheet metal apprentices for a while. The teaching jobs were set to go full-time, and he was the most qualified for the position. The union said he was being considered but the union was as political as anything else and he couldn’t keep up. Other men, with better connections, ended up with the teaching jobs when they went full-time. So much for steady work. He never said as much, never acted bitter, but I met the man who got the job later and thought the difference between them was that my father was a better teacher, and the man who got the job was white. He got married, had a son, and later a daughter. His wife was white, and the kids took after her mostly- no one would guess they were half Mexican to look at them. His mother, their grandmother, preferred their cousins because they were darker. He took pretty well to parenting, knew what not to do because of his own father. But his son turned about twelve, and of course he wasn’t working like his father had been. And though he didn’t want his son to have to work at the age of twelve like he had, of course not, he still resented the boy a little. He was never wealthy, and sometimes he struggled just to keep the house his family had inherited through his wife’s parents. Sometimes his family ate potatoes for a week straight, because potatoes were cheap and filling and you could make them a few different ways. They were never hungry, even when he wasn’t working. He always wanted to work, was the thing. He never let himself rest if he was out of work; he’d call everyone he knew in the trade, he’d knock on doors. He wouldn’t let himself get discouraged. His family never went hungry. They had told him if he worked hard, he would get ahead- ahead of what, precisely, he wasn’t sure, but he took it to mean he would eventually be able to quit working so hard, that his family would have opportunities he’d missed. He just wished he could work hard more often. No work trickled down for a lot of the eighties and early nineties; his retirement fund was not what it should have been. So he kept working even after twenty-five years in the trade. Sheet metal is hard work, it hurts your back, knees, wrists- it can make you practically a cripple if you do it steadily for even twenty years. His back got bad, and his knees got bad, and his thumbs got bad, but he kept working. He gave his kids all the chances he never had, but he couldn’t pay for their college education. He couldn’t pay for their health care. He could pay for food. He could pay for private high schools for both of them. He, and my mother, sacrificed terribly for that one. Private school. Catholic school. For an atheist and an agnostic child of an atheist and an agnostic parent. At least the education was good. So I turned into a socialist. Free education. Free health care. Free housing and food and transportation and utilities and necessities- Go ahead, tax half my income; so long as those necessities are paid for, the rest is just spending money anyhow. A socialist consumer society. My own strange version of the American dream. My sister’s starting to think like I do on this one, too. My parents aren‘t as radical, but they‘ve never voted Republican, I can tell you that much. I like to say they‘re Kennedy Democtats, while my sister and I are Franklin Roosevelt Democrats. My grandfather would probably be horrified. Did he spend four years sailing around the world, defending our freedom in the dockside bars and brothels of the Pacific rim, so that his grandkids could spit on capitalism? We don’t mind working. We just want something to show for it.
Current Mood: |
busy |
Current Music: |
"Slow Hands," Interpol | |
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I sit, the glaring white of the screen slowly burning into my retinas, and I wonder absently if my glasses somehow magnify the impact of light striking my eyes they way they magnify images. Something is off. Boredom would make sense; it's been a fairly droll sort of day, but it's not exactly boredom. It doesn't matter what it is. I'll extend a line of communication to another human being and I'll forget all about whatever this feeling is. I send out a few texts, little bottle messages set adrift into the ether, but nothing much to remark upon. So, when nothing comes floating back upon the electric tide, I'm mostly unsurprised, mostly avoiding disappointment. Time passes- it does that -and now there is a strange sort of agitation beneath that unnamable something. An urgency. So I log into AIM, visualize walking into a comfortable room that usually contains a few of my friends, potential conversations waiting to happen. Jef may or may not be on; he tends to leave his chat open. Messaging someone who might not be there feels silly, and besides, as much as I appreciate Jef, tonight he's not the one I want to talk to. I pick up the phone and press the tiny buttons with studied disinterest. I don't need to talk to someone, not really. No particular reason to need to do so. Finances are settled, more or less, and I'm on track to graduate by Spring. I'll need to drum up some more cash for incedentals like books, the GRE, and applications for Grad School, but assuming I can in fact secure a job that shouldn't be too hard. Nothing hugely stressful. The phone rings, again and again, but no matter who I try there is no response. I remember 28 Days Later, I remember the myth of Echo (and Narcissus, but who cares about him? Oh, right.), and I start to feel a fluttering in the back of my mind, like a moth or a tangle of cobwebs shifting there in the dark. I miss Andrea, haven't seen her much in the last week or so, but that's not what's bothering me- I'll see her again soon and I'm not worried about things in that respect for once. Still there is a growing feeling of an almost malicious solitude, an uncoiling in the deeps of my mind, snaky limbs reaching out from the darkness to ensnare me. Conversations flare, sputter, and die as my family attempts to probe what's gone wrong. I feign physical illness because even in a family with our history, the onus of emotional weakness rides me hard. They buy it- for now. I go back to the computer. Nothing. Not even crickets. Not even the wind. Just the cold, uncaring screen, that gives light but no warmth. It's far too early in the season for this cold, winter feeling.
Current Mood: |
ill at ease |
Current Music: |
"Metamorphosis One," Phillip Glass | |
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Went to the fair today. Things are good. Here is why: 1.) Acquired huge jug of p*nuttles for like $8. 2.) Girlfriend acquired some kick-ass lotion from an Australian woman, put it on... and smelled like chocolate cake
3.) Got to spend whole day with girlfriend, which I haven't done for a while. 4.) Walked around all day, didn't get overheated or winded or anything. Hooray improved health. 5.) Did I mention my girlfriend smells like chocolate cake?!I win at life.
Current Location: |
mein haus |
Current Mood: |
bouncy |
Current Music: |
"Thunderhorse," Dethklok | |
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What do you say to someone who has run out of things to say to you? Do you say anything at all, or let silence rule?
What do you say to someone you can't speak of your true self to? Is it worth saying?
What do you say to someone you want to smack upside the head but must instead accept?
Why do you want to say so much in the first place? Is it you, or is it just the booze?
Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones, now an old fart with a bastard lovechild who looks startlingly like Shia LaBeouf/LeBoef/daBeef/whatever, gets in adventures and meets aliens who don't like Soviets. Better than Temple of Doom, not as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark or The Last Crusade. If you like Indiana Jones you will like this. If you don't, why would you go see it? 7/10
Running things through spell checker is the best way to obscure heightened levels of booziness.
Song Review: "Clash on the Big Bridge," the Black Mages
The composer of all Final Fantasy music from FF 1 to FF 10, Nobuo Uematsu, is the keyboardist in a rock band. They cover his old FF music. If that intrigues you, keep reading. If not, get bent.
This track reimagines the music from one of the climactic battle sequences in Final Fantasy V, bringing in lots of guitars (both lead and bass) and keeping some of the spirit of the old MIDI file alive with Uematsu's virtuoso keyboarding and composition. The guitars are reminiscent of Epic Metal; think Dragonforce meets Dynasty Warriors, appropriate considering the source material. It opens with a synth riff that quickly gives way to rock-star guitars and a hook so catchy you know it had to originate in a SNES game. Music to pick up a sword and heroically murder your neighbors to. 8/10
Gained 546 xp and 250 gil
Getting excited about something, getting one's hopes up, is generally a case study in diminishing returns, but people do it all the time anyhow. People believe in all kinds of things that make no logical sense but make them happy. They must be tricking their brains somehow. I wonder if there's a how-to manual on that sort of thing.
Book Review: Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition Players' Handbook
Good rules, good classes, looks like a lot of fun. I want to smite evil and save the kingdom of wherever. 9/10
Current Mood: |
unwell |
Current Music: |
"Valley of the Damned," Dragonforce | |
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So today I picked up the new Disturbed album, "Indestructible." Anyone reading this probably knows I essentially love the crap out of Disturbed already, so it probably won't surprise anyone when I say that I have a positive review.
Actually, my initial reaction can be best summed up in three words, the three words I uttered in the car when I was about halfway through the album.
"Oh, FUCK yeah!"
Anyhow, I'm going to give the album a 10/10 rating and say it's probably about as good as Ten Thousand Fists, their last album. In general, it's more guitar and drum heavy than previous Disturbed albums. I suspect this is due to two factors- the guitarist and the drummer are awesome and getting better, and singer David Draiman had throat surgery not too long ago (his voice is largely the same, perhaps a touch more gravelly here and there, but its essential unearthly and haunting quality remains undamaged, thankfully). So, to the production and mixing team, awesome work dudes.
And now, I am going to review the tracks one at a time, as I listen to them. This will be somewhat stream-of-consciousness style, albeit (I hope) with punctuation and some sort of structure. I am not, and would never want to be, and would commit seppuku rather than submit anyone to myself if I ever became, Fitzgerald. I will also rate the songs on a scale of 1 to 10, but this is a special Disturbed scale, with 1 representing "Droppin' Plates" (i.e. still fun but oy) and 10 representing "Deify." (oh fuck yeah)
Track 1: Indestructible The background war noises set the stage nicely before a seriously crunchy guitar riff overpowers everything. This track is particularly anthemic, with an insanely infectious drum and guitar hook (that's right, a drum hook) that comes right out and grabs you by the face. The vocals are stacatto and sharp, English at it's iambic catchiest. The chorus is quite possibly the most bad-ass thing I've heard in ages. It makes me want to go declare war upon absolutely everyone and destroy them all with my bare hands. Or beat the shit out of them at 40k, anyhow. The vocals are almost a chant, especially in the chorus. It's incredibly militaristic, primal, and visceral. God damn do I love the shit out of this song. I suspect it's going to shoot to the top of my workout music, the way KMFDM's "Risen" and Rammstein's "Links 2, 3, 4" did in years gone by. 10/10
Track 2: Inside the Fire The sort of industrial/metal noise in the bacground gives way to evil laughter and heavy guitars. The vocals are very chant-like again, which is a good thing in this instance. The simplistic rhyme masks the deeper emotional tone of the chorus. The song is apparently about a dead loved one burning in hell, and the appeal of a demonic force to join her through suicide. "Release your life/ To begin another time with her/ End your grief with me/ There's another way/ Release your life/ Take your place inside the fire with me." I don't care to say much more about it at this time considering what I just found out about Megan and my own tendencies toward depression, but suffice to say the song itself is very good. 9/10
Track 3: Deceiver The guitar riff opens the song, the vocals kicking in shortly therafter. Less of a chant and more melodic, Draiman showcases that there's certainly nothing wrong with his voice. The song is extremely well-composed and mixed, but sounds more like a track off of the album Believe than more recent endeavors, as the vocals are almost too smooth. At his best, Draiman can demonstrate incredible range ("Ten Thousand Fists" springs to mind) but this song is more consistent. While it would make great background music for a bleak dystopian awesome film and I'm sure it's great live, it's just not as good as the first two cuts. It would be difficult to match them, however. 7/10
Track 4: The Night A more melodic guitar, almost reminscent of epic metal, morphs into a choppy modern sound. The vocals are noticably higher than the norm, almost Draiman's version of a heroic tenor. The effect is incredible. The music shifts often enough and is interesting enough that this song is quickly growing on me. The chorus is insanely catchy and every bit as emotionally stirring as the uber-heroic choruses (chori?) of a band like Dragonforce. The lyrics are above par for Disturbed as well, and whoever mixed the damn chorus is a genius. God damn that is sweeping me right up with it. Ooh, guitar solo over that crunchy rhythm section. Their guitarist (Dan Donegan, the booklet says) is amazing and just getting better. Oh, there's Draiman's range. It's kind of a relief to hear it again. Nothing as dramatic as "Ten Thousand Fists," but there it is, so he can still do it. The ending is a touch abrupt, but still, this song is amazing. 10/10
Track 5: Perfect Insanity Opening with a fast guitar hook and ape noise, this promises to be vintage Disturbed fun. There's more of a wall of noise going on, appropriate to the contractually obligated song about being nucking futs (there is a reason I love this band, after all). This song makes me want to hop behind the wheel of a car and drive at extremely unsafe velocities. The guitar work reminds me of the best efforts of Marilyn Manson (the band, not the vocalist) from the Antichrist Superstar era. This song almost sounds like something off Disturbed's first album, The Sickness, although if it had been on that album I think I'd have been an even bigger Disturbed fan back when it came out. I haven't heard a loud/angry/fast metal song that made me want to launch a destruction derby half so much since Static-X and Fear Factory covered Ministry's "Burning Inside." 10/10
Track 6: Haunted Man, I love the drums in this band. The distortion on the guitars reminds me of some of the best efforts of Gravity Kills back when they were cool for like five minutes. The vocals here are definitely harsher, with a pronounced growl despite the generally melodic quality. The effect is pretty awesome. The chorus is impressive and good, but doesn't quite live up to the promise of the introduction. The chorus sounds very Believe, while the rest of it is all Indestructible- a new direction for the band, and a very good one. There are some neat studio effects/ Industrial noises/ etc. on this track. 8/10
Track 7: Enough Oh shit that is a bad-ass drum track. The guitars are subdued, feel like they're building toward something. The vocals come in, but the guitars remain subdued. The drums continue to predominate for a while, then give way to a soaring set of vocals. Pretty cool. I don't know if it's the surgery that gave him access to the higher pitch, but he does some really cool things with it here. This song is very emotional, and despite blending together a little in the bridges, the machine-gun beat of the drums and the impassioned vocals save it from mediocrity (as compared to other Disturbed songs). I think the song could have benefitted from a clearer guitar hook to go with those vocals, but you just can't fault those drums. Hot damn. 8/10
Track 8: The Curse The intro isn't particularly promising, sort of a minor key warbling and some consistent guitars, some ape noise, but the vocals are back to that chanting thing, and it works. Oh, hey, that's a catchy vocal chorus. Okay, it's growing on me. Wait a second. Okay, I just turned it way up (it was pretty loud, but now it's LOUD) and that improved it's quality like tenfold. I'm sort of doing a mild headbang thing at my desk here. Fuck yeah. Those are some seriously primal drums. I want to dance around in a circle making ape noise, maybe pick up a stick and bash another apes brains out for the Monolith. There's a solo/break, and when the chorus comes back in, it's with one hell of a kick. Oh, man, those guitars are HUDGE. 9/10
EDIT: Having listened to this song, it is increasingly awesome, and might become my favorite track on the album. Doesn't hurt that it's also my new fucking anti-depressant anthem of triumph. "I've held on too long just to let it go now / Will my inner strength get me through it somehow? / Defying the curse that has taken hold / Never surrender, I'll never be overcome." Fuckin-A. 10/10
Track 9: Torn I will refrain from Natalie Imbruglia jokes. Another sort of uninspiring intro, the vocals are sort of subdued at first too. The chorus is definitely going for the more "haunting/otherworldly" vocal quality, sort of like A Perfect Circle's sound only more interesting. The chorus swells, and all that, but the most interesting thing about this song is the drums. Mike Werngren (drummer) is either a minor god of rock or these guys have a drum machine. I suspect the former. Still, this song is basically album filler as far as Disturbed goes. If this had been on Believe it would've been a stand out track, but they've moved on since then. 6/10
Track 10: Criminal This intro seems like it's building toward something. The guitar and drums are higher and more... I don't know, almost like Sevendust (another band with an amazing vocalist who I also like a lot, just not as much as Disturbed- Sevendust's band is awesome and all, but not as awesome as the guys in Disturbed. Whether David Draiman's better than Lajon Witherspoon is debatable- both are amazing in different ways) This song sounds like a hybrid between something off of The Sickness and Ten Thousand Fists. The bulk of it is more the former, the chorus is very much the latter. Draiman's vocals are strangely hypnotic here, as elsewhere. It's a good thing he's not inserting subliminal messages (that we know of) or else even more Disturbed fans would likely develop highly antagonistic feelings toward religion and the Republican party. 7/10
Track 11: Divide Catchy. The guitars and drums are more simplistic on this one- which can be a good thing sometimes, and is here. This sounds rather a lot like something from The Sickness but with the maturity and polish of their later work. Hell yeah. Also a touch of Gravity Kills in the opening riff there. Cool. The message is naturally sort of divisive (nurr) and reminds me of Marilyn Manson songs like "Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth." This sort of song tends to appeal to my inner intellectual elitist. Hah, he says something about being the "last man standing." The 40k jokes will commence in my brain henceforth. This song is probably going to make its way onto my workout mix too. Any song in this vein generally does; KMFDM's "Godlike," nine inch nails' "big man with a gun," etc. You know, screaming the same thing over and over again shouldn't be this catchy, but when performed with the sincerity and intensity Draiman can muster, it's actually pretty damn good. Almost an egomaniacal song in the vein of KMFDM's more fun endeavors. "I'm one impresssive motherfucker now, wouldn't you say?" Actually yeah, you guys all are. 8/10
Track 12: Facade Okay. The last track is rarely anything much special. Here goes. Ooh, a breakup/crush/stalker song- I've always got room in my heart for another one of those. Hey, that's some neat machine noise. Way to reference your industrial roots while maintaining the metal, guys, right on. The chorus could stick in my head pretty well if it were to apply better to my own life. Thanks for small favors, it's not really applicable at the moment at least. The guitar solo is pretty much wankery, which is too bad, considering how good the guitarist is. I mean, it's not particularly interesting wankery. All guitar solos are wankery. You know what I mean. Also, three cheers for the unsung hero, the bassist. John Moyer. Okay. Go you, John Moyer, you do your job well and provide (with Mr. Wengren, of course) a seriously awesome rhythm section. 7/10
So yeah. If you like Disturbed, or metal in general, or awesome metal vocals (I once described David Draiman's voice as what Rob Halford of Judas Priest would've sounded like if his balls had dropped- kind of unfair to poor Rob, who is awesome, but still) then you should pick this album up. It is teh rock.
Current Music: |
"The Night," Disturbed | |
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Who knew?
So there is no reason to worry or stress. I'm fine.
I have changed the privacy settings on the last few entries. Don't take them too seriously.
You should probably just consider them my therapy or something. So now they're private.
I really should've set them private in the first place.
To recap:
I'm fine, I'll be fine, I've been fine.
Carry on.
Current Music: |
"Wheels," Cake | |
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I'm really down tonight. Chemicals coupled to lousy experiences will do that.
But fuck all that. I'm here to talk to you about Foreigner.
In the song "Hot Blooded," by Foreigner, of course, there are many, many odd lyrics.
Tonight, the one that jumped out at me was:
"Now it's up to you We could make a secret rendesvous Just me and you I'll show you lovin' like you never knew That's why I'm hot blooded"
But I fail to see the causational relationship.
Later, he sings:
"Tell me, are you hot momma? You sure look that way to me"
This implies beer goggles to me. Excpecting honesty from the subject is perhaps painfully naive, but potentially endearing, yes?
However, this is itself followed by:
"Are you old enough? Will you be ready when I call your bluff?"
Maybe I've been watching too much Law and Order, but generally calling the bluff of a sex partner leads to about 25 years eating three squares a day on the government's dime. Especially if she's not old enough.
Next time I manage to go to a karaoke type thing, I am singing Hot Blooded.
This song is utterly insane. God help me, I love it so. EDIT: Also on the short list of songs I feel compelled to perform in front of other human beings are Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb," something by Megadeth or Dio (either one, really) and some Cake. I don't know why I think you need to know that. Probably because talking about it here is the closest I'm going to get to karaoke anytime before the next galactic rotation. /sad. |
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When writing a research paper, actual research is overrated. Simply underline passages that might be tortured to support your flimsy premise, cite appropriately, and include the source on your Works Cited page. This is proper MLA format.
I think my chief problem with the internet today is that the number of people who think I want to see them naked exceeds the number of people I actually want to see naked by a factor of about 15.
When it's time to party we will drink too much and make a benevolent, fun-loving ass of ourselves, or we will abstain from booze and sit miserable and alone in the corner all night trying to work up the courage to talk to the cute brunette, only to be bitterly disappointed when she goes down on some frat guy right in front of everyone. Then we will drink too much and leave.
I wish it were feasible to model a Greater Daemon with Jack Nicholson leer.
Tatoos above a certain size and complexity are actually really unappealing on women, and sort of turn me off. Except when they randomly really turn me on.
Once, one of the blokes from the Moody Blues said something on the order of "Say what you will about the Moody Blues, 'Nights in White Satin' rocks fairly hard." This is a good example of the relatively common Rock Mitigation Fallacy. There is no 'rocks fairly hard.' Rock. Or rock not.
When locked in a life and death struggle for control of a speeding vehicle, take a moment to reflect on how things got to this point. Go ahead- spare yourself time for a giggle.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Except three, of course. Three is far worse. The gentleman with the spare tire is generally the spare, indeed.
Walking into the ocean, walking away into the desert, riding off into the sunset, etc. are all fine and good romantic ways to remove oneself from a film. However, in practice, there is a godawful lot of salt water and/or heatstroke precluding these from being good social escape hatches. A sudden bathroom run followed by a detour that never quite brings one back remains your best recourse.
It is well that I don't have a secret volcano lair and/or a doomsday device. Such are best kept out of the hands of those who bore easily.
I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. I have nothing better to do.
Current Mood: |
desolate |
Current Music: |
"Sex Bomb," Tom Jones. You heard me. | |
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Apparently this is going to be my monthly update. So be it. I thought about posting a lengthy, articulate entry, full of whatever wit and charm I am able to employ, but to be completely frank, I'm not feeling particularly articulate at the moment. So fuck it, let's do this. Class goes rather well. I might end up with a B in my Slave Narrative class, if Professor Barrett decides to be a hardnose about the quiz I missed when I was sick on wednesday, but even if that happens, I'll still pull down a 3.75 this quarter. So fuck it. Still no advancement on the job front, which sucks, as having a car (paying for gas and insurance, technically) is contingent upon having income apart from the occasional direct loans check. Seeing my friends regularly is basically contingent upon having a car. Fuck it. All prospects on the girl front collapsed like so many soap bubbles, as is their way. Fuck it. I'm feeling like the odd one out again in a group of people who ostensibly share many of my beliefs, opinions, values, etc. I'm feeling like either the one voice of reason in a world gone mad, or the sole lunatic in a perfectly ordered world where everyone is enjoying him or herself but me. Wel, if those are the options, Will Smith I am not. So I'm the weirdo, the outsider, the nutjob. Fuck it. I am feeling an overwhelming urge to inflate my muscles and burn off my fat, to hone my body into a weapon, to take things (and yes, people, albeit no one in particular, thankfully) in my hands and break them utterly. I feel like this sometimes. I feel like this entirely too often. So I use it. I lift weights and do sit ups and push ups until I can't think anymore. Rejection. Isolation. Pain. Angst. Confusion. Worry. Rage. Throw them on the fire. Reforge yourself into something that no longer disgusts you or anyone else. Something that is upright and moral by choice rather than by default. Something that could reach out and crush... but chooses not to. I know this is completely unbalanced and seriously warped. I know I'm basically a bad person for all the bullshit I think, for how ridiculously selfish my brain is, but you know what? I don't especially care right now. Fuck it. I'm probably going to turtle up for the forseeable future- it's not healthy, and it's not the right thing to do, but it's what I do when this shit happens. Besides, it's not like it's hard to do. Basically, all I have to do is stop making the effort, taking the initiative to contact people, and I fall out of contact. A neat and tidy solution. So, to sum up, FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Except no, even that's entirely too articulate to express the absolute turmoil of bilious, acid feelings churning around in my head right now. What I really need to do is go outside and throw back my head and scream all my angerhateselfloathingconcernisolationrejectionangst to the insensate skies. To anyone who happens to read this, no need to worry about me- as I mentioned, I'm holding it together academically and that's really all that matters at the moment. Most of what I'm feeling is essentially unjustifiable and really casts me in a pretty bad light, but you know what? I can hardly be bothered to care ath this point. So my advice to you, gentle reader, is be careful. It's a cold fucking world out there. Wach your backs.
Current Mood: |
psychotic break |
Current Music: |
"Accettami," Iwasaki Taku (Black Cat Soundtrack) | |

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